Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
