need another drink. this is the easiest way
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
