I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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