just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
