I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
