He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
