i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
