Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
