i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
