He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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