when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
