she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
