Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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