My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize