Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
