I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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