I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
