I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
