I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
