My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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