He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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