i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize