Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
