I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
