You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
