i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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