when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
