I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
