He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
