Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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