Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
