I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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