Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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