I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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