I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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