Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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