I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
