Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
