i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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