Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I supernannyed him into submission
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
