Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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