sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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