I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
