We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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