it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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