so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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