she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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