At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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