in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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