You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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