I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
