accomplished twins. life is a go
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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