the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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