Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
