and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
