It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
